Old Growth

Tending to Endings (seventy-one)

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My Question for You: If your life has been impacted by Alzheimer’s, do you have a book or other resource that helped with some challenging aspect of the disease? Support groups, podcasts, memoirs, novels, films, anything really, that helps you or your loved ones on that journey? Please include a sentence or two about what you found helpful. You can share with the community here by putting it in the comments section, or send them to me at laura@laurastavoe.com.

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I’ve recently picked up one of May Sarton’s journals, The House by the Sea (1979), and am reminded how, like the proverbial river, good literature is never the same story twice. The last time I read Sarton, I was probably in my twenties and she spoke to me about creativity and the writing life (she still does). But now, at age 58, I come upon this passage and am newly grateful:  

“Growing old…what is the opposite of “growing”? I ask myself. “Withering” perhaps? It is, I assume, quite easy to wither into old age, and hard to grow into it. But there is an opposite to growth which is regression, in psychoanalytic terms going back to infantile modes of being. And maybe growing old is accepting regression as part of the whole mysterious process. The child in the old person is a precious part of his being able to handle the slow imprisonment. As he is able to do less, he enjoys everything in the present, with childlike enjoyment. It is a saving grace, and I see it when Judy is with me here. (27)

Having learned much more about Alzheimer’s and dementia since the 1970s when Sarton was writing, I now know that the particular kind of childmind Sarton sees in Judy–who she lived with for many years earlier in her life–is illness rather than a universal symptom of aging. And yet, it is true, that everyone who lives long enough to die in old age, eventually experiences physical limitations of some sort and for one out of three they will include dementia.

Sarton’s focus on the word grow makes me aware of how I have often viewed aging as something to resist or fight and only give into as a last resort. Something to conceal. There is that exception, the woman described as aging gracefully! But to me that sounds a little like a pedestal for the person who ages without making anyone else uncomfortable! Honestly, it sounds a little lonely!

Growing takes an ecosystem, and for humans that means a community. This year I’m hoping to fold the topic of aging into the mix of Tending to Ending posts because I have lots of questions. What does it mean to face this inevitable transformation of our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves with clear eyes and curiosity rather than shame? Does denial of aging help us or hurt us, or both and in what ways? Are there a ways in which community and cultural connection could make this transition feel more supported and the idea of growth into old age be more possible?

In another entry, Sarton includes a passage from a letter she received from a friend, Eugenia, expressing grief over Judy’s decline:

“…always there, sensitive, receptive Judy. She was so wonderfully kind and accepting in those years of pain and mess. Death comes in installments but sometimes the first installments can be very steep, perhaps much more painful to those around them than to the person. I do cherish her so; can one maintain the image of love when so much is gone?”

Sarton responds,

I guess the answer to that question is, yes, because one has lived with someone for years, as I did with Judy, something quite intangible there, as though in the bloodstream, that no change in her changes. (45)

And I am right there with May Sarton, more than a quarter century after her own death. In the end stages of my mom’s illness after so much was lost, in quiet moments when I would draw close, there it was, that something “that no change in her changes.”

In chaplaincy school, one question I’ve been carrying is how we can stay in relationship with those whose very sense of self is shifting sometimes from day to day due to Alzheimer’s or some other form of progressive dementia? After years of meaning to read Pauline Boss’s work, I finally read Loving Someone with Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping with Stress and Grief, and it speaks to that very question and is now at the top of my recommend list for anyone impacted by the complicated journey that is Alzheimer’s! It’s also an excellent resource for those who want to be helpful to friends who are caregivers. These words from the first chapter of the book rang true for me:

…it’s time for all of us to acknowledge, appreciate, and directly help caregivers—the ones down the street, the one in your congregation, the one in your family—because simply put, it takes a village. One person can’t do it alone and stay healthy. What often endangers the emotional and physical health of caregivers is their isolation. Unlike dementia, this problem can be fixed.

If you have a book or other resource that helped with some challenging aspect of the disease of Alzheimer’s or aging, I would love to hear about it. And if you’re willing to say a sentence or two about why it is helpful in the comment section below, And, as always you can send thoughts, ideas, questions, or suggestions to me at laura@laurastavoe.com.

Thank you for being here.

Love,

Laura

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